If I Could Take It Back
by hitachiin-fangirl
Summary: Hikaru walks in to find Kaoru in someone elses arms. He's hurt and it's not something he can forgive so easily. Can Kaoru get that forgiveness? Or is this the end for them? Hikakao... rated M


**Disclaimer: **I don't own ouran

Written for RockerGirl0709.

**WARNINGS!!: TWINCEST, LEMON**

_If I could take it back_

He had opened the door, not expecting to find two people twisted together on the floor. Breaths ragged. Bodies heaving, thrusting, arching. Moaning. Sweat soaked naked skin shinning in the moonlight streaming through the large windows.

Normally, had he happened upon this scene, he would have closed the door and walked away. Not that he came across this sort of thing frequently, but he was pretty sure in saying that he would have. And he almost did too, but had stopped upon recognizing who exactly it was he had happened on.

And as he watched them move against each other, with each other, _in_ each other, the only thought that ran through his mind was _'Kaoru better have a damn good explanation'_.

And he was transfixed. Not in a perverted voyeuristic way but in a what the hell is happening way. His eyes never moving from the contorting bodies until the moment he saw his twin climax. Recognized the way his eyes screwed shut, the way that moan was just the bit louder than the others, the way his toes curled. Until the realization that it wasn't him who had driven him there sunk in.

Then he had turned around, slamming the door as he made his escape,not caring that they knew he'd seen them.

He thought he'd seen Kyouya look up at him right as he left but he couldn't be sure. His vision was fogging, his head was spinning, his breath was caught in his lungs... his heart felt shattered.

As he crashed through the door leading out to the garden, he fell to his knees, breathing hard, the tears starting to fall. He screamed a piercing broken cry of why into the night, not caring who heard him as he broke down in sobs.

Yes. Kaoru had better have a damn good explanation.

oOoOo

They had been caught. They had been caught and he knew exactly by who, the tell-tale glimpse of red hair he'd caught right before the door was slammed was unmistakable. And his heart broke, despite knowing he was the one in the wrong. Because he was the one in the wrong.

"No," he whispered brokenly, scrambling away from Kyouya. " No!" The tears were falling, he was shaking, evidence of what he had done all over him and the older boy in front of him. He had never felt more dirty in his life as he kept up a whimpering string of 'no's, scrambling to find his clothes.

He got dressed as quick as he could and left just as quickly without so much as a glance in Kyoya's direction.

As he hurried along the garden paths, heading for the parking lot, the tears were still falling but he was beginning to compose himself. Hikaru would forgive him. He HAD to forgive him. Because if Hikaru didn't forgive him, who would? Certainly not himself.

It wasn't suppose to be like this. It shouldn't have been. But what choice did he have.

He got into the limo waiting for him, the driver informing him that Hikaru had walked home. And he wasn't surprised.

It didn't stop the tears from falling full force again though, the empty limo a cruel reminder that he really didn't deserve Hikaru.

oOoOo

The driver had said Hikaru had walked. Really, Hikaru was running. The physical exertion helping him focus.

Maybe he'd misunderstood. Maybe there was a logical explanation. But no. How could you misunderstand something like that.

If Kaoru had been tied up or sobbing, then maybe. But he hadn't been.

And thinking about it now, he remembered seeing them leave the party together. Neither looking distressed, and he knew Kaoru enough to recognize when he was distressed.

No. The only conclusion he could draw was that Kaoru had been a willing partner.

Willing.

It stung.

Hikaru stopped running abruptly, clenching his fists and screwing his eyes shut, refuse to let the tear fall again.

If Kaoru was willing... it hurt. It hurt so much but if it had been what Kaoru wanted, then he couldn't be against it. He loved him too much.

He kept walking, somehow managing to keep his thoughts blank until he was safetly back in his room. Alone.

He could hear Kaoru in the next room crying quietly. The way he did when he didn't want Hikaru to hear him. And somehow it made it worse. If Kaoru didn't want to be heard, he felt guilty. If he felt guilty... he was.

That's the way it was between them. If they weren't guilty, the other knew almost instinctively, making it unnecessary to hide from each other for something they hadn't done.

If Kaoru _had _been taking advantage of, despite his early dismissing the possibility, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kaoru would have been in here. Crying in his arms instead of in the dark shadows of his room.

He clenched his jaw, the sudden urge to throw something washing over him. He was mad. How could he not be.

It wasn't so much what Kaoru had done but the way he had done it. Why behind his back? Because he was afraid of hurting him?

Well he _was_ hurt. More hurt than he would have been if Kaoru had just come straight out and said he didn't want him anymore.

He didn't want him anymore.

Didn't want him.

This time, he did stop himself from throwing the first thing his hand came onto across the room. And then the next. And the next.

When the frustration died down again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and started pacing.

He had to talk to him. No matter how mad he was, he was still helplessly in love with Kaoru and all that matter was that he was happy. Despite the fact that Kaoru could so heartlessly hurt him. He had to let him know. Had to make him stop crying.

He only hoped he could do it without yelling. A part of him never wanted to speak to Kaoru again.

He took one last breath before marching out of his room and coming face to face with a group of maids, obviously curious about what the hell he'd been doing.

He ignored them and opened the door to the bedroom next to his before he could think about what he was doing. Kaoru wasn't there, he was in the bathroom which was letting a crack of light in under the door. He moved to stand near the window and looked out at the stars

Kaoru emerged from the bathroom seconds later, freezing in his tracks when he saw the silhouette standing at his window. His tears were gone, but his eyes were red and swollen.

He took a step closer to his brother who refused to turn around. He hesitated but walked towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Hikaru didn't shake it off, but the gentle hand broke his heart into smaller pieces.

"Hikaru, about what you saw," Kaoru tried shakily but didn't know what to say next.

"About what I saw... Kaoru if you-" his voice broke." If you don't want- i-if you would rather-" he couldn't get through it. It was too hard. He fell apart. " How the hell could you do this to me?" he whispered, turning around to face his brother, tears threatening to fall.

Kaoru couldn't say anything, tears welling up in his own eyes.

"How?" he said clearer, turning away. "How could you?!" he nearly shouted his voice breaking.

"I-I..." Kaoru was so lost.

"What did I ever do to you?!" he demanded, outright shouting now. "WHAT?"

"Hikaru, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...," Kaoru whispered.

"I hate this," Hikaru said, wiping furiously at his eyes. " Here I was foolishly still hoping you had a good reason. But no. Not so much as an explanation."

"Hika, I-" but he stopped.

"You're sorry. Yeah you said that," Hikaru spat out. " Do you know how I feel? No. Because I'd never do this to you. Because I love you too damn much."

He angrily walked to the door. This wasn't what he had come here to say. But he couldn't help it. He was just so hurt. So betrayed.

"Hikaru, wait!" Kaoru cried out. "Wait!"

But Hikaru didn't wait. Kaoru chased him back into his room. The room they always shared.

"Hikaru, you don't understand," Kaoru pleaded. "It's not what it seems."

"I don't understand?!" Hikaru asked. "Well, please enlighten me. What exactly about this situation makes so innocent? Were you drugged? Threathened? _Were you rapped?_" Hikaru almost hissed. Accussing and daring his twin to lie to him.

"No. I'm guilty," Kaoru told him looking him straight in the eye.

"THEN WHAT?!" Hikaru yelled in his face. "I think you're the one who doesn't understand. You don't understand that at this very moment I hate you. I hate you with a burning passion. I don't ever want to forgive you or see you again and I wish you a world of pain," he spit at him darkly.

Kaoru bit his lip as Hikaru turned away from him.

"But I love you," Hikaru said quietly, painfully. "I love you so damn much! And I only want to see you happy. I don't want anything to hurt you. And the conflicting emotions are _torture._"

"Hikaru I love you so much," Kaoru said, not daring to step closer. "More than anyone in the world. Please don't hate me."

Hikaru said nothing, refusing to turn around.

"I don't blame you for hating me. I hate myself," Kaoru said, taking a step closer this time. "I love you so much. I can't forgive myself for hurting you."

Hikaru sighed. "Kaoru," he said through clenched teeth, still not turning around but considerably calmed down. " I'm trying to tell you that if you would rather have Kyouya then me... I'll get over it in time. If it makes you happy."

"I won't be happy if it's not you I'm with," Kaoru whispered, reaching to touch Hikaru's arm.

"How can you stand there and say that? You said yourself you were guilty," he said viciously enough that Kaoru removed his hand. And that hurt more than when he'd first put his hand on his shoulder. "I _saw_ you. You didn't look very unhappy!"

"I don't love him," Kaoru told him. Recovered from the shock, he risked stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Hikaru's waist. "I love you."

"Then how could you?" he whispered. "Why would you?"

Kaoru hesitated. "The first time I-"

" The _first _time?!" Hikaru said stepping out Kaoru's hold.

Kaoru sighed but continued. "The first time, I was vulnerable. You were mad at me, much like now. I didn't know who to turn to and he took advantage of that. I think he knew even then about us. He certainly knew by the end when it wasn't _his _name I yelled out," he paused to see how Hikaru was reacting. He'd moved to the bed and Kaoru went to sit next to him. "I didn't want to. I kept telling him to stop. I didn't have the strength to physically stop him though, he took it as a green light."

"He did rape you then," Hikaru said quietly.

"That's one way to put it," Kaoru agreed with a shrug. He quickly continued before Hikaru set out to murder Kyouya. "But he was gentle. He didn't hurt me..."

"No excuse," Hikaru muttered.

"He was having a hard time too. I was there to listen," Kaoru said sadly.

"How could I have missed something like that? " Hikaru asked. He would have noticed his twin acting strangely.

"We were fighting, you were avoiding me. At one point, I thought you knew because you suddenly got colder... That's when the second time happened."

Hikaru got up and started pacing.

"Kaoru stop. I can't take it," he told his twin. He closed his eyes, not believing what he was about to say. " Look, maybe we should end this thing between us," he said, willing himself to stay composed.

Kaoru looked at him shocked. He hadn't been expecting it. Not now.

"But Hika-"

"No. Kao, I love you so much, but I can't handle you running off and sleeping with others every little time something comes up. I can't handle this hurt again," he said.

"No!" Kaoru stood up briskly. "No! Hikaru, it was a mistake! The biggest mistake I've ever made! I won't make it again!"

Hikaru resolutely didn't look at him.

"Hikaru... Hikaru please...."

He walked over to him, taking his face in his hands. They looked into each others tear filled eyes.

Ever so slowly, Kaoru brought his lips closer to Hikaru's. He brushed them against Hikaru's before kissing him gently. Pleadingly. Hikaru's lips responded by reflexe. It had started gentle but it was getting increasingly needy.

"No!" Hikaru said, breaking away. "No! Don't do this! Don't think a kiss can make it all go away. Kaoru, how do I know it's the last time? " Hikaru cried. "I can't forgive it that easily."

Kaoru fell to his knees. "NO! No, _you_ don't do this!" He sobbed. " Don't do this! Don't do this! Please Hika. Please."

"I want to forgive you. I'm so close to forgiving you," Hikaru said kneeling next to Kaoru. "So close."

Their lips were getting dangerously close again.

"Forgive me," Kaoru pleaded. "Forgive me."

Hikaru captured his lips briefly. "How do I know you won't hurt me again," he whispered.

"Because I can't hurt myself like this again," Kaoru whispered back, his eyes searching Hikaru's with the tears to prove his statement. "For every once of pain I cause you, I get it back tenfold."

That was Hikaru needed, pinning him to the floor and kissing him fiercely. As the kiss grew more heated, they started tearing at each others clothes.

But when Hikaru got all of Kaoru's off, he found something that made him stand up and take a step back again.

Kaoru looked down at the various hickeys that weren't of Hikaru's making, blushing both embarrassed and horribly ashamed.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," Hikaru sighed.

"No. Hikaru I want you and only you. You're the only one I'll ever want," Kaoru said looking up at him from where he was sitting on the floor.

"Kaoru, I really don't know," Hikaru sighed again.

Kaoru sighed as well, standing and walking over Hikaru. When he got there, he tangled his fingers in his hair, pulling his face to his into a searing kiss.

"I do. You have to believe me," he said seriously.

"Okay," Hikaru answered after a pause.

"Good," Kaoru whispered, kissing his neck and then pushing him down to sit on the edge of the bed.

He straddled him and proceeded to keep up his work on Hikaru's neck. His hand sliding down Hikaru's stomach.

"I'll make it up to you," Kaoru promised kissing him once again before licking and nipping his way down to Hikaru's erection. He was now kneeling on the floor in front of him. "For the record, you're the only one I'd ever do this for."

Hikaru would have answered if he hadn't been engulfed by sudden warmth. As it was, all the came out was a moaned "God, Kao..."

One of his hands found it's way into Kaoru's hair as he started bobbing his head back and forth, his other hand clenching the sheets tightly. He threw his head back, a steady flow of groans coming from him as Kaoru's hand starting working on him as well. Just when he thought he couldn't take it anymore, muscles contracting in his lower abdomen, the familiar feeling of climax starting to come over him, Kaoru pulled away.

He stood back up, grabbing Hikaru's head and kissing him desperately, tongues battling. As they continued to kiss, Kaoru grabbed for something under the matress, pulled out a small bottle and coated Hikaru's member. Never breaking apart, he positioned himself and took Hikaru in him. They both broke apart at the same time. Hikaru throwing his head back, Kaoru clenching his eyes shut and biting into Hikaru shoulder.

Kaoru stayed still a moment.

"Move," Hikaru groaned. "God Kao, move..."

And he did. His speed increasing until they were both desperately try to keep their voices down. The teeth in Hikaru shoulder sinking in deeper at the effort

"Kao..." Hikaru breathed out. "Kao I love you..."

Kaoru didn't have time to reply as he reached his climax, Hikaru reaching his soon after.

"Hikaru," he breathed out. "I love you so much."

He moved to kiss him gently before pulling himself off of Hikaru.

They crawled under the covers, snuggling close.

"Never again," Kaoru whispered in the dark. "I promise."

**a/n: **Omg. Okay so this turned out a lot more serious than I think either me or or RockerGirl0709 had in mind... I'm sorry about that... And there's some other things that aren't exactly as ordered aren't there....Maybe I'll have to write you another one?!

On another note.... cannot BELIEVE I wrote a lemon..... that was insanely difficult and I almost erased it several times as I was writing. I don't know if it turned out well. I tried to keep it somewhat romantic because of the feel of the story and not go too much into just smut.... I hope I did okay....Urgh, I just reread it and it's HORRIBLE! Nope, I hate it.... the only reason I'm not taking it out entirely is that hopefully someone can give me some advice for any future work? (In a private message if you don't want to in a review??)

Also, I only did a quick reread so don't be scared to point out mistakes if you find them.

Review please! Let me know what I could have done to make it better in general.


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